The moments left uncounted...

Shortly after writing that last post I was hit with the realization: my birthday's haven't really mattered to me since the birth of my first son. He just turned five and all those anxious moments self-reflection that used to be the hallmark of my birthdays came rushing back. And it felt good, because just maybe, I'm not completely selfish.

We had a family party to mark his birthday this past Saturday and the greatest joy I derived from it was watching the constant look of pure joy on his face all day. He realized it was his day and not only was he happy, but I think just purely proud to have all the attention showered on him. At one point I caught a glimpse of him in the corner of the family room just sort of taking everything in and beeming from ear to ear. I knew that look...it was my "just press pause" look I've used when experiencing a great moment that I just wanted to take a mental picture of. Filled my heart, it did.

It also made me realize I need to be better on recording them. Sure, I've taken mental images of similar situations with the boys in the past, but I need to be better about writing them down. The mind is probably going already and I need to forever have a reference to those special moments. They are the moments that make you feel alive.

Hmmm.....

Let it be known that 35 might be the line of demarcation for when I crossed from young to old. I’m almost hesitant writing that because I’ve always believed that age was just a state of mind. And for the longest time, I’ve always been stuck mentally at 28, but lately there have been an series of events – most non-descript – over the past month that have me pushing toward believing I may be old.

Before getting there, I should probably explain why I’ve always been stuck at young. Actually in sitting here thinking about how I could explain it, I’ve realized I’m not sure I can. So, at least let me get to what stuck me a few moments ago.

I just saw this piece on Boston.com (http://bit.ly/5p3uAv). It’s sample from a new book documenting the Grunge era of music. There’s a photo there of Soundgarden from 1989 and another of Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love from 1992…20 and 17 years ago, respectively. It gave me a pang, or maybe a palpitation; I’m not sure which. Either way, they were taken along freaking time ago.

Another came when I recently thought back to when I first entered the workforce. My first hiring manager was 33 when he hired me. I thought he was old and had his shit together. I’m that old guy now and don’t necessarily know that I have my shit together. But in reality, I probably do. What’s worse is most twenty-somethings I work with probably feel the same way.

Again…state of mind, right?

What’s it all amount to? I’m not sure. What I do know is I haven’t been analyzing my life around my birthday in about five years or so, but am clearly doing so again. It was kind of peaceful and I can only hope this isn’t the start of too much self-reflection again. After all, I’m too young for that, right?

34, but not me...

My birthday has come to mean nothing over the last few years. Well, perhaps not nothing, but more so that other things have taken over in my life. Namely, my boys. Now, normally my birthday always caused me to reflect, almost to the point of borderline neurosis. However, the birth of my first child stemmed this.

Most people when they turn 30, tend to get quite introspective. But for me, my thirtieth cam less than two weeks before the birth of Nate. I didn't have time to think of me, and that's good, because it was no longer about me. So, instead of spouting reflections of my life, I'd like to take this time to remember some of the moments when my kids of have just melted my my heart. Like the first time we took Nate to the circus and how I will never forget his face watching in amazement. Or, how we went to Sunday River this fall, and how it was the first time Nate was independent, Or, how we had a boys day and Nate and Cam were just being themselves when we went to dinner. I need to make it a point to record when I'm touched by these two. And yes, just having them is touching enough, but sometimes there are just those moments...and I want to remember them all.

Fuck me...

Nearly six months after my last post and I'm pleased to report I'm still a self-loathing asshole. I wish I could find a way to recognize in real-time when life is starting to kick me in the nuts. But, if could I suppose things would be much easier than they are.

Shit seems to be falling apart around me to the point I'm not even sure what is real anymore. Life just gets more complicated...no revelation there, but shit, I look at the heartache and toughs time that seem to surround myself, my family and my friends and I just don't know what to do. If I could have no wish, it would be for life to just slow down. I want to time to not just think about what's going on around, but to enjoy what's happening in the now. I hate the everything is rushed. And I hate that I can't slow it down and hate even more that I seem to perpetuate everything. I hate that I've used the word hate so much in the last minute.

Fuck...just a bad week I guess. I just want more control. And I want to be able to get my priorities straight. I want to be selfless. Fuck me...

Frustrations...

A lot of people define themselves by their careers. I've never thought of myself as one of those people, but do realize there is a big part of me that wants to succeed. Too often I worry it makes me lose sight of the bigger picture...my family.

Nate is almost three and half and in keeping with the truth behind cliche's, he's growing up fast. Parenting is tough and there really is no understanding until you do it. For me, it really exposes one of biggest flaws -- well, two -- my lack of patience and my short temper. This is only exasperated by the stress my job brings. Toss in the fact I've been searching for a new gig for over six months now, and I'm often on edge a lot. I'm cognizant of this fact, but too often, it means little in real-time situations.

I need to chill-out and really get better on prioritizing. Things need to change and I need to make it happen. Too often I vacillate between thinking I;m not doing enough, and actually not doing enough...it leads to too much turmoil in my head. I need to take charge. But, then again, haven't I been saying this for years. Things need to change and I really have to stop being such a self-loathing, selfish asshole.

Rock & a Hard Place

Fuck.

Or fucked.

Or maybe quite simply, fucking A.

I apologize for the harsh opening, but that sums up my mood of late. Work is terrible, or I should searching for a new gig is brutal. The job hunt has been ongoing in earnest for months now and I'm no where close to finding a new job. It certainly comes in waves --the seeking, applying, interviewing -- and I've been through three already with no positive outcome. It's a factor of may things from being particular about what I want in a position to the limited number of opportunities available that comes from being more experience. Still, its doesn't make it any less stressful and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't starting to take it personally. After all, nobody likes to feel not wanted.

My current work situation is only compounding matters as things get busier and my focus is completely on the task at hand. Of course, that is mainly because my main task is my job search. So, it stands to reason that my days spent scouring the Internet for news opps would cut into my performance with the rest of the time spent staring at my phone willing it to ring. I can't say it sits well with me to not giving it my all at work, but what can you do. At this point it feels like a bad relationship I can't get out of. Good times.

Crap

That was just brutal.

The chance at immortality went up in flash…or as quickly as Eli Manning found a way to avoid a sack and toss up a prayer. And with that play, you just knew it wasn’t going to be for the Patriots.

You would think after the run we’ve had in Boston that this shouldn’t be that big of a deal. But to lose such a shot at history, well, it just stings.

I won’t go so far as to say this was as worse at the 2003 Sox lose, but its there…or maybe it is worse. There is something in me that says this may be the start of a downward trend. It’s as if the clock may have finally stuck midnight and we are about to descend back into the pain we Boston sports fans are so accustomed to. I’d like to think Brady and company will still have another shot at immortality, but for tonight, I think it all ended. And it just sucks.

Hats off to the Giants, they brought it and certainly were the better team.

Still, this one is going to sting for a while.