34, but not me...

My birthday has come to mean nothing over the last few years. Well, perhaps not nothing, but more so that other things have taken over in my life. Namely, my boys. Now, normally my birthday always caused me to reflect, almost to the point of borderline neurosis. However, the birth of my first child stemmed this.

Most people when they turn 30, tend to get quite introspective. But for me, my thirtieth cam less than two weeks before the birth of Nate. I didn't have time to think of me, and that's good, because it was no longer about me. So, instead of spouting reflections of my life, I'd like to take this time to remember some of the moments when my kids of have just melted my my heart. Like the first time we took Nate to the circus and how I will never forget his face watching in amazement. Or, how we went to Sunday River this fall, and how it was the first time Nate was independent, Or, how we had a boys day and Nate and Cam were just being themselves when we went to dinner. I need to make it a point to record when I'm touched by these two. And yes, just having them is touching enough, but sometimes there are just those moments...and I want to remember them all.

Fuck me...

Nearly six months after my last post and I'm pleased to report I'm still a self-loathing asshole. I wish I could find a way to recognize in real-time when life is starting to kick me in the nuts. But, if could I suppose things would be much easier than they are.

Shit seems to be falling apart around me to the point I'm not even sure what is real anymore. Life just gets more complicated...no revelation there, but shit, I look at the heartache and toughs time that seem to surround myself, my family and my friends and I just don't know what to do. If I could have no wish, it would be for life to just slow down. I want to time to not just think about what's going on around, but to enjoy what's happening in the now. I hate the everything is rushed. And I hate that I can't slow it down and hate even more that I seem to perpetuate everything. I hate that I've used the word hate so much in the last minute.

Fuck...just a bad week I guess. I just want more control. And I want to be able to get my priorities straight. I want to be selfless. Fuck me...